Housewares

Welcome to one of my favorite sections: Housewares. I define housewares as pretty much anything that's not a straight up toy, but has some kind of function in or around the house. That means kitchen stuff like nerdy utensils and plates, that means bathroom stuff (got one hell of a shower curtain in this section, for instance), that means Christmas tree ornaments, that means rugs... You'd be surprised just how much geekier you can make your house.

The beginning of this section if pretty thick with ornaments. I love Christmas tree decorations and Hallmark has some great stuff out this year. From there we move into the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom (oh yeah) and even your front porch.

As always, prices shift every couple of minutes around the holidays so don't take the prices listed as holy scripture. Double check before you hit purchase! 

Enjoy!

 

Cheap ($24.99 and under)

 

I still get a kick out of Hallmark releasing Christmas Tree ornaments for R-rated movies. This was the first of 2017's Keepsakes I picked up. Ripley in the Powerloader is just way too cool not to have in your tree.

$21.39

 

Darth Vader's disembodied head... why not? This one talks, too, spouting off some key Dark Lord of the Sith dialogue from the Star Wars films. Now we just need to start a petition to get a version of this ornament that's from the creepy Dagobah tree vision sequence from Empire that has Luke's face underneath.

$15.48

 

 

The sculpt on this is a tad wonky, but having Old Mentor Luke Skywalker in your tree is mighty appealing, especially since this is kind of his year what with The Last Jedi kinda being about him and all.

$13.65

The second Hallmark Keepsake I bought this year. A Christmas themed Stormtrooper, armed with a candy cane? Sign me the fuck up! He's got a cute little Santa hat on, too!

$19.95

 

It's a big deal that Nintendo finally licensed out Mario and we can get him hanging on our trees! This one is out of stock online, but most Hallmark stores still have Mario in stock. If you click the image you can find out what store near you has it and reserve yours!

$15.95

Yoshi's not as popular as Mario, you can still get him via the Hallmark Online store! No eggs, though. Sorry.

$15.95

This is pretty cool. Soundwave is obviously the most dated of the original Transformers (we still have trucks and jets and cars and stuff, but not too many tape decks), but that makes this ornament all that more nostalgic for any of us '80s kids.

$15.95

Simple, just Superman's crest, but it plays John Williams' iconic theme with the press of a button. The yellow part also lights up, glowing bright as the music swells. It's a pretty rad ornament.

$17.69

Baby Groot is out of stock online, too, but much like Mario he's still at most stores, so if you want this angry, cute little bugger in your tree this year simply click through and see if there's a Hallmark store near you that can set one aside for you.

$17.95

This is a big sucker, so if you pick one up make sure to put it on a large branch or you're gonna get that Charlie Brown Christmas Tree droop thing going on.

$21.49

Buddy in your tree! There's very few movies that get me into the holiday spirit as much as Elf so this is a no-brainer. He talks, too!

$17.95

 

The Airplane poster is pretty recognizable and having the twisted airplane image turned into an ornament is sweet. The only drawback to this one is that they for some reason don't have the original lines from the movie, so when you press a button you get someone doing their best Leslie Nielson. Surely, they could have just used the original sound clips? Don't call me Shirley!

$17.95

I never would have imagined that there'd be a Beetlejuice Christmas ornament when I was a kid. This one was always very cool because it felt edgy and dark for a family kind of movie. Now you can get the Ghost with the Most in your tree.

$17.77

 

The South Park Gang has their own 3D ornament set out, too. You get all of them in one set, including Cartman, Kenny, Kyle (with Mr. Hankey!), Stan and Chef.

$14.90

 

No Christmas tree is complete with some Valyrian steel! ThinkGeek has this order system on random, but you will get one of two different Game of Thrones Sword Ornaments, either Oathkeeper or Longclaw. Winter is coming, make sure you're prepared.

$14.99

If you want your tree to be a bit darker than most, you can always go for this Krampus ornament set put out by the good folks at Weta Workshop, the people that actually made all the physical effects for that movie. You get three ornaments in this set.

$19.99

 

Weeping Angel Tree Topper

To really top off your creepy Christmas tree you can go with this Weeping Angel tree topper. It's recommended you keep your blinking to a minimum should you go this route.

$19.99

All the Hogwarts houses are represented in this stocking that you can hang by your chimney with care. I hear Santa's a Hufflepuff but tells everybody he's Gryffindor.

$14.99

 

This is pretty neat. It's a transparent coaster set that each has a cross-section layer of the Millennium Falcon on it that, when you stack them on top of each other, makes the complete ship. Chewie, we're home.

$19.99

 

PRE-ORDER, December sometime. Just your average, run of the mill Porg tumbler cup. With everybody's favorite Last Jedi cutie-pies on them. I anticipate much squeeing from your geek significant other should they unwrap this one this Christmas.

$14.99

 

Frankenstein Tiki Mug Good. Friend! Fire bad! Arrrgghh!

$19.99

 

What you have here are some Beaker Highball glasses to make you look like an important scientist while you have your end of the day cocktail, a delicious Coke Zero or some breakfast OJ or whatnot.

$23.99

 

I don't know exactly where would buy that you're carrying in an old NES cartridge, but should that place exists here's a Mario Flask. I guess it's technically a canteen, but come on... you know this is made to conceal booze. Just look at that drunk bastard on the cover!

$19.99

 

I know they're kitschy, but I gotta admit the kid in me still gets a kick out of these heat-changing mugs. There are a few of them on the list this year, but you gotta start with Mario, right? Pour in some nice coffee or tea or warm apple cider and watch his world change! Ooooooooo, magic!

$10.33

 

I didn't forget about you, Luigi. You can have your own magic mug, too! This one isn't heat-changing, but rather a simple glow in the dark mug, but that's pretty cool especially when you consider that it's themed to Luigi's Mansion, which is pretty inspired.

$9.99

 

Probably my favorite heat-changing liquid holder option out there this holiday season, but that might just be because I'm an old fart and fondly remember this version of the Gameboy and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy looking at it. Don't microwave this guy or run it through the dishwasher. It doesn't like that and you don't want to make magic glasses angry. Trust me. I learned that lesson the hard way.

$11.00

 

 

Great Scott! A Back to the Future heat-changing mug! Pour your warm beverages into this sucker and watch the time circuits spring to life just like if Michael J. Fox was there in person pounding on it trying to get it to work so he can get to the clock tower and go back to the future and what not. This is heavy!

$12.99

 

 

If your tastes for geeky mugs hew a bit closer to life science awesomeness then look no further than this one that looks like a real-deal astronaut's helmet. Show respect to the brave men and women pushing the final frontier... or pretend you're an alien sipping the sweet brain juice out of this convenient receptacle.

$11.99

 

 

I'm always down with any kind of Fallout-themed merch (as is evidenced by the quick run of Fallout drinking containers you're about to see). Always and forever. Morning coffee... morning coffee never changes. ::cueFalloutTheme::

$19.99

 

 

It's a little bit of a missed opportunity not having this Steel Water Bottle be a Brotherhood of Steel... Water Bottle. But I'll never shake my head at the good ol' tried and true blue and yellow Vault Dweller colors. This water bottle holds 17oz of either pure or slightly irradiated water. Your choice beverage is up to you.

$19.99

 

Did you know that thing is called a Growler? I always assumed it was “jug” or something, but growler is a way more badass name for that kind of liquid container. The artwork on it is Nuka Cola branded, but you can't put whatever tasty beverage in there you like. Quantum, Cherry or even some of that sweet Sarsaparilla if you're more of a New Vegas-y type.

$24.99

 

It's just a chunk of metal that bolts into your wall or cabinet or whatever and opens up your bottled beverages (make sure to save the caps for the inevitable nuclear apocalypse landscape we're headed towards), but it's a cool hunk of metal that bolts into your wall or cabinet or whatever. It even comes with red screws so it seamlessly mounts to your surface of choice! How considerate of them!

$19.99

 

I don't know why, but every geeky pizza cutter that comes out makes me happy. I have one that's shaped like the Enterprise, with the saucer being the sharp blade part and it gives me so much joy... yet I hardly ever use it since I haven't made a Boboli Pizza since I was a teenager and would rather eat cardboard than the cheap frozen pizzas you can get at the grocery store, but I'm happy it's there. This nerdy-ass pizza cutter is in the shape of a Pokeball and looks even more like a Pokeball when you have the blade sheathed!

$14.99

 

Feel the ultimate power in the pizza cutting galaxy by borrowing the biggest, baddest dude's lightsaber. Okay, just the handle, really. You're not using a laser to cut your pizza, but I do like the way you think...

$14.95

 

This R2D2 Measuring Cup set have been out for a couple of years, but I love it so much and have to include it, especially now that it's on sale. You get four measuring cups and four measuring spoons that form together into one R2 unit. It's so badass.

$12.99

 

Now, you don't get all three of the above pictured giant-mouthed Star Wars bowls in one set, but that just means you get to be choosy about who is more worthy of holding your cereal in their mouth: Jabba, Chewie or a Wampa. The Jabba one is pretty damn disturbing, so that'd probably be my choice, but I'm weird like that.

$16.99 each

 

Subtle geekery always puts a smile on my face. Take this cereal bowl, for instance... Well, I guess it's just a bowl. Every bowl can be a cereal bowl if you pour the right kinda thing into it when you think about it. Anyway, this bowl is made to look like it came from the space pantry of the Nostromo, the main ship from the very first Alien movie. That's the Nostromo's logo. Very simple, most non-geeks would assume that was just a pretty pattern, but we know better, don't we?

$12.99

 

Alien Egg Salt and Pepper Shakers! This'll get doubly meta when you salt up your morning eggs. Also don't be surprised if after eating you got a little pressure in your chest. It's not a heart attack from all that bacon, silly. It's just a little miracle of evolution trying to work its way out. No biggie.

$13.99

 

How fucking guilty are you going to feel the first time you use this Baby Groot cutting board? I guarantee you won't put as much pressure on the knife as you need to in order to not cut poor Groot's face up, but after a week or two he'll probably look like he crawled through a barb wire maze. That's alright, scars give a face character, right?

$19.99

 

If you want a more guilt-free Guardians of the Galaxy cutting board experience, might I suggest going for this glass board mixtape version? Slice into them golden oldies while cutting up your fruits and veggies!

$14.99

 

Here's another kitchen set that has been available for a few years, but it's on sale and super rad for you fans of the fresh fishies. The Star Trek Enterprise Sushi Set comes with removable blue plastic chopsticks, soy sauce dish concealed in the dish and fancy wooden base to put your raw fish on. Isn't that a thing of beauty?

$19.99

 

Since we're onto Star Trek stuff for a minute here, how about three number ones? That's right, three Jonathan Frakes as Riker magnets on laser cut wood measuring 3.25 inches tall. Make it so!

$22.50

 

What time is it? Time to get a Nuka Cola wall clock, silly! Got you good, didn't I? This thing is pretty big, about 14” in diameter, so you won't have to squint to figure out how long until your next side quest.

$24.99

 

I think just about any kid or kid-at-heart would flip their shit for this. Minecraft is like crack to children so help deal your kids some of that sweet sweet merch that might actually help them out in an emergency. This wall torch does light up (requires 3 AAAs) and is removable/mobile. It also stands a foot tall.

$19.99

 

 

There can't be anything popular that they don't slap a Pokemon skin on. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact! Look at this thing! Exhibit A, your honor! Pikachu grabs your money, just like in real life! But it's cute, so who cares?

$22.99

 

 

I don't know why I like letter openers so much considering the only mail I get is bills, but I guess this time of year it's cool to have a nerdy letter opener to cleanly open all them Holiday cards you're getting. It's harder to get much nerdier than a Master Sword.

$9.99

 

Take note, Guardians. No, literally. Take notes. This Destiny-themed notebook that comes complete with 232 ruled blank pages where you can write whatever you like. Odes to the long, forgotten Dinklebot days, locations of loot chests, plans to make sure the Cabal rue the day they messed up our pretty little tower. That kind of thing.

$11.99

 

If your note-taking needs err more in the direction of pirates and rambunctious children, then perhaps this Goonies Journal is more your cup of tea. One Eyed Willy guards the book (yeah he does) and inside you'll find some fancy maps and plenty of blank pages to catalogue all your rich stuff!

$11.95

 

This might be my favorite of the journals. Mulder's I Want To Believe poster adorns the front cover of this X-Files themed journal and inside you can write down however many conspiracy theories you want to. The truth is out there!

$11.95

 

 

While you're writing away in one of your new geeky journals, get nice and toasty wrapped up in your Overwatch logo fleece blanket! Ooooh, fleece! Sooooofffttt, warrmmm... Also good for late gaming nights pwning noobs and whatnot.

$24.99

 

If your video game fleece blanket needs lean more in the direction of sado-masochism then how about this You Died Dark Souls Blanket? Deathstains not included, you must provide your own (ew).

$24.99

 

 

Happy little blanket right here. Don't you want a happy little blanket? Wouldn't that be nice. Don't whack around it like Bob Ross does every 20 goddamn seconds. It won't be a happy little blanket for long if you do.

$22.99

 

One of the coolest pieces of Star Wars merch ever. This I Love You/I Know Hand Towel set is like the most perfect geek wedding present. And geek anytime present, really. Just don't remind the person you're getting this for that this love spawns a daddy-killing Vader fanboy.

$14.99

 

 

A NASA shower curtain to show the world that you support the exploration of space for the betterment of mankind. That is if you want to invite the world into your bathroom. But why wouldn't you? What do you have to hide?

$24.99

 

Ahhh... if you, ah, want the best, ah, shower curtain ever then this one with, ah, Jeff Goldblum and a gorilla is your best bet. It's ah... a thing of beauty. Imagine this in your bathroom and your bathroom is instantly 10x more awesome. Go ahead and do it. There you have it.

$18.89

 

It's chilly, you want a fuzzy seatbelt cover but you also want to be ready to fend off any Imperial or First Order attack. What do you do? Opt for this Chewbacca bandolier seatbelt cover, of course! If you want to be movie authentic though you only install this in your passenger (read: co-pilot) seat.

$14.95

 

 

 

Moderate ($25.00-$70.99)

 

 

 

What a great idea for a floor runner. This rug doubles as the opening crawl for A New Hope. Measuring 26” wide and 77” long this is a must own for any geek homeowner who doesn't want to go all normal with their newfound adult responsibilities.

$39.99

 

Not to be outdone, R2 has his own rug for your buying pleasure. Unlike the real R2 this rug will sit there nice and quiet and never, ever push you off of Jabba's sail barge like a dickhead.

$59.99

 

 

If a complete R2 rug doesn't float your boat, then how about this one that pulls everybody's favorite astromech droid apart?

$59.99

 

As far as welcome mats go this one's pretty boss. As evidenced in the rest of this guide, I'm a Fallout super fan, so of course I love it. Not sure how it plays to the normies, but it's bright, colorful and welcoming, so I think it checks off most welcome mat requirement boxes.

$29.99

 

 

For your home office, I present to you a Nikola Tesla magnetic statue. There are cheaper ways to hold your paperclips, but this is perhaps the most badass.

$32.99

 

 

This is just about the most perfect Star Wars snow globe to possibly be made. Hanging Luke, hungry Wampa, lightsaber embedded nearby? All there. Don't ask why it's snowing in the Wampa's cave, just accept it! Quit nitpicking everything, Gregory. Let me like stuff. Damn!

$39.99

 

You might not be able to tell just what the hell this is from the picture, so let me tell you. That's a nut-cracking BB-8. Droid, please! Break this walnut for me. Kay, thnx. The BB-8 nutcracker stands 8” tall, is made of wood and most likely doesn't include a flame thumbs up to cheer you up. That last part's a bummer, but you can't get everything you want in life, can you?

$44.50

 

For you Doctor Who fans out there who also wish to have their nuts broken I present to you this Cyberman Nutcracker. It stands over 10” tall and will exterminate those shells for you. I know that's a different Who race, but that was kinda funny. Let me have this one!

$41.65

 

This is gross. This is also awesome. Grawesome. Put your cookies in an alien egg! What could possibly go wrong?!?

$34.99

 

 

Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this popcorn maker! You can pop delicious snack foods for movie night and also threaten to wipe out whole planets if they don't fall in line. Win-win.

$49.99

 

 

While we're at it, how about this Death Star Serving Platter? It's super shiny and useful for all sorts of occasions. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthdays, Life Day. You name it.

$45.76

 

 

This R2 coffee press is just pretty. I mean, it looks sharp. And it brews about 4 cups of coffee at a time. A previous version of this sucker came out a few years ago, but they've updated the 2017 model with stronger parts and then ThinkGeek kindly reduced the price.

$29.99

 

This will be a day long remembered! Now you can pour a cup of Earl Grey from Vader's spout just to really confuse Trek and Wars fans all over the world. Just imagine Vader singing the I'm A Little Teapot song and when you stop smiling feel free to pick this set up. You get the teapot, two saucers, two cups, and a sugar jar all Darth Vader themed.

$59.99

 

 

I am tea as you are tea as you are me and we are all tea-gether. Love the opportunity to throw in some Beatles stuff into the guide and how better to celebrate four lads from Liverpool than with something to keep your tea in, eh?

$49.99

 

I love this Octopus Serving Bowl. It's still somehow less creepy than Ivanka's Thanksgiving dishes.

$34.99

 

 

Roll a nat 20 every single time out with this Critical Hit Waffle Maker. The design is on both sides, so you don't have to worry about the bottom of your nerdy waffle being less socially awkward than the top!

$29.99

 

This waffle maker isn't messing around. Look at that sucker! It makes giant keyboard-sized waffles! That's waffles that are 10” wide, 3.5” long and an inch thick. Hope you like a big breakfast! On the plus side all those key holes are perfect for holding little pockets of delicious syrup and butter. Great, now I want waffles. Thanks, internet.

$69.99

 

Ha, this is neat. Alien Acid Drip coaster set, so it looks like the sweat from your drink is melting though them. Look like a badass that can chug melty alien acid blood, impress your friends and loved ones!

$29.99
 

Taking a quick detour out into the garden (or I suppose your kitchen window sill) for this Baby Groot Flowerpot. Grow real, living plants out of lil' Groot's noggin! Awwwwwww.

$29.99

 

 

Own this beach towel that features Brandon Bird's infamous art print “No One Wants to Play Sega with Harrison Ford.” Nobody at the pool will have a cooler towel, that's for sure. Somebody please play Sega with Harrison. He looks so damn sad...

$30.00

 

 

Yes, that's what you think it is: wax seals. Like in the old keep-it-secret-keep-it-safe days when this was the best way to guarantee no lookie loos read your flirty pen pal shit. If you still write the occasional letter and are yourself a giant Harry Potter fan then how about these Hogwarts houses seals? You can choose Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw or Slytherin. If you choose Slytherin the recipient might think you've got an evil streak in you, but they do have the coolest looking crest. Anything with snakes is automatically 3x more badass than anything without.

$29.99

 

This Deathly Hallows Accent Lamp can certainly brighten up your room. It's a small LED lamp that runs on batteries, which means you can put it just about anywhere in your castle that you want.

$29.99

 

PRE-ORDER, December-ish. This Chomp lamp serves as both illumination for your house and also theft deterrent. Just hope that the intruder isn't an Italian plumber with a blinking hat or else he can use it to break down all your walls. But what are the odds of that dude trying to steal your shit? Unless your name is Bowser, not very likely, I think.

$49.99

 

Game of Thrones has a nerdy lamp out this holiday season as well! You can light up your house without pledging allegiance to some crazy fire god! What a bargain! The North remembers...

$59.99

 

This is pretty neat. It's a small desktop light but done in a stain glass style and featuring everybody's favorite sleepy boy Link. You can power via USB cable or batteries.

$29.99

 

Little snuggle pillows for your couch, bed or any other place of comfort. You have a few Zelda-related options here: Link with Shield, Link with Triforce, Shield itself or Triforce itself.

$33.99-$35.99

 

Yes, this is a two foot long Batman mirror. Use it to make sure your cowl is not on crooked or to reflect light into a low cloud and call yourself to action. Or just to double check your bedhead before leaving for work in the morning.

$29.99

 

Turn your bedroom door into the entrance to Gryffindor's common room with this Fat Lady Painting Door Cling and stop all those Ravenclaw assholes from sneaking in all the time and leaving the common room in such a mess.

$29.99

 

 

I have lots of books at home, but almost no bookends. Don't know why that is. I love them, but just have never splurged. There are a few good Harry Potter related bookends out this year, including this basilisk one.

$49.34

 

 

If you want to go with something a little less fucking terrifying, but still Harry Potter related then how about this Dobby bookend? Just don't accidentally throw your sock at him or you'll be out a tiny book holding elf.

$45.00

 

Deadpool breaks that fourth wall even on Christmas ornaments! Put the Merc With A Mouth all up in your tree!

$30.19

 

Now these things are really cool. Hallmark has these high quality Star Wars ornaments that actually interact with each other. They light up and tell the story of Star Wars with dialogue and sound effects from the movie. You turn one on and the others recognize it and play in succession. This is the first wave, which gets you the Death Star, Luke's X-Wing and Vader's TIE fighter. These suckers are also bigger than the typical Hallmark Keepsake ornament, too. The Falcon is supposedly coming next year.

$45.00 Death Star, $44.95 X-Wing and $42.95 TIE Fighter.

 

 

 

I love, love, love, love this. An Eleven candle holder that lets the red wax drip out her nose? Right on. Dig it. You win, internet. In stock December 14th.

$40.59

 

 

 

Expensive ($71.00-$249.99)

 

 

 

How beautiful is this stein? It's hand-painted and shows the life cycle of a Xenomorph from egg to facehugger to warrior. It's a work of art! That you can fill with beer! Oh, oh, oh! Use those alien acid blood coasters from earlier in this section with it!

$129.99

 

Mrs. Potts and Chip of your very own! Look, it's really beautifully crafted, but it would definitely weird me out to sip from Chip, a poor little boy who was turned into a tea cup, especially after pouring scalding hot liquid from his mother's nose into him. Beauty and the Beast is real fucked up when you think about it.

$79.99

 

I will own this. I decided this year. I haven't bought it yet, but it will be mine. For one, I love Krampus. I think it's a hell of a great dark, twisted, mean little Christmas movie and I adore Weta's work, not only in the movie, but in this recreation of one of its more memorable monsters. I would absolutely put this on top of my tree. Count on it, Christmas 2018!

$79.99

 

This is the other fancy Harry Potter bookend I mentioned earlier. It's another incredibly well done piece that depicts the Hogwarts Express tunneling through your books!

$94.99

 

Very fancy! Here you have a 16 piece Dinner Set which includes one place setting (dinner plate, salad plate, cup and bowl) for each of the four Hogwarts houses. Geek china at its best!

$99.99

 

 

Haha, look at this. What you see is a giant Snorlax beanbag chair. Or some really, really creepy kink doll. He does look nice and cuddly, doesn't he? I could fall asleep in his warm arms... we'd snore together happily ever after... Uh-oh, I think I'm part of that Snorlax kink cult now...

$149.99

 

Atmos FX Projection Thing

So this AtmosFX thing is pretty cool. I got one for Halloween and turned the front window of my house into a nightmare factory filled with evil poltergeists, demonic kids and flesh-eating zombies all thanks to the magic of rear projection. The idea is you set up the projector pointing at a sheet over your window and from the window side it looks like whatever is projected is actually in the room. The reason I'm including it here for Christmas is because they don't just do scary Halloween stuff, they also have cheerful Christmas projections including a jolly St. Nick laughing at your window sill! Really up your holiday spirit game with this digital projector system this year! It comes with projector, remote and a sample of various holiday themes to project (including a Santa), but I'd recommend getting the Christmas expansion DVD ($19.99) and the Window Projection Screen ($39.99).

$199.99

 

 

For The Super Rich Only ($250.00 and up)

 

 

This was on pre-order this time last year if I'm not mistaken, but if you've got deep pockets and love Fallout even half as much as I do, this Deluxe Blutooth Pip Boy will certainly catch your eye. Take calls through it, play music through it (The Ink Spots, naturally), charge your phone with it, the works. Has a wireless range of a little less than 100 feet. Pretty damn spiffy, isn't it?

$349.99